The Hard Truth Most Parents Don't Want to Hear

My mum’s friend brought her kids over once. I didn’t mind. Still, as we played, I soon realized something was different about one of them. To understand what it was, let me rewind this story.

Kids do not like assignments. Why do that when there is so much more you can be doing –like watching the latest episode of whatever is your favorite cartoon? The mum’s friend’s kids seemed handful for their nanny, so I decided to pitch. In less than three hours, I had:

I promised to show them my robot.

I promised to teach them how to speak to my supposed robot.

Said I could talk to animals.

Promised, again, to teach them how to speak to snakes.

I made a deal to tell them this “top secret” and I claimed only the intelligent kids could know.

I started by noon, and before lunchtime, I was already on a roll –Pinocchio would’ve been proud. Still, despite all my promises and attempts to coax them with sweets and snacks, I just couldn’t get the younger kid to focus. One minute he was staring at his book, the next, he was climbing the staircase and trying to jump off.

Now I know what some people would say, “that’s how kids behave,” “boys tend to have a lot of pent-up energy,” “better to let them play and get tired so it’d be easier to put them to bed.” Also, I heard all these when I complained to my friend, and I almost believed it. We even discussed how female children tend to be seen as gentler and are usually calmer.

The issue was the few seconds he focused; he was much better in maths than his older brother, two classes ahead of him. While the elder brother was still counting numbers with his fingers, the younger one would simply count with his eyes. He was very fast at it also –I’m terrible at maths, so he beat me to it.

By the end of lunchtime, the younger child’s behavior had almost convinced me that he had ADHD. I mentioned this worry to a friend. As a person with ADHD and a psychology graduate, I have studied the symptoms enough to recognize a few. My reason was that I wanted to save other kids from going through the hardships I went through during my early socialization stages.

My friend advised me not to jump to conclusions. He intelligently pointed out how my intense desire could be making me give the wrong diagnoses. He also reminded me that I wasn’t authorized to provide diagnoses. So, by dinnertime, I’d already decided to let it all go and play a few games with the kids.

We decided to play a few games of hide and seek. After I got drained, I decided to change the game to what I called blindfold wrestling –it is what the name implies. The first three rounds were fine, but the younger child was crying before we reached the fourth round. His reason? His brother was cheating.

I tried to make him understand that his brother wasn’t cheating. He was simply better at the game, so crying foul play wouldn’t do anything. I asked him why he didn’t trust his senses, that if he focused hard enough, he might hear his brother’s voice and follow it, which made him cry even more.

Now before I continue, I should mention that I’m still terrible at handling kids’ tears. I never seem to understand what causes them, so I ask him many questions that only make them cry more. So, here I was feeling like the wicked witch from the west when the boy told me that he didn’t bother learning because he couldn’t understand.

When I asked what he meant, he told me his teachers always said he was too forgetful and unserious. He kept crying, “I’ll forget,” “I’ll forget” because he genuinely believed he could not trace the location of his brother’s voice.

It broke my heart hearing him say that. He didn’t want his older brother to hear us because he felt he would use what we talked about to win the game. I felt like a horrible person because it had never occurred to me to learn how ADHD kids could deal with forgetfulness.

I remembered how I was a few years older than him when people started commenting on my forgetfulness. I remembered how that made me believe I was always confused and that I had a bad memory. As I watched that child try to learn the few things I could teach, it occurred to me that diagnosing was the easy part, and the hard part came was managing to live an active life with it.

By the end of the day, I was conflicted about what to do. On the one hand, I knew it was not in my place to be diagnosing a child. On the other hand, I felt like I had to say something to someone who could help the boy. So, I went to someone who could do something about it –my mother.

I told her my observations and that I believed the child had ADHD. My mum was aware of my condition. Though it was hard for her to understand at first, she soon started accepting that it was a massive part of me. She sat in silence and listened to everything I had to say, and then she told me not to tell anyone, especially the child’s mum.

To say I was confused would be putting it lightly. I wanted to assume I didn’t hear my mum right, but she repeated it, “don’t tell his mother. She’ll most likely not want to hear it, and it’ll only bring a lot of trouble.” I couldn’t understand what trouble would come out of it. I imagined the woman feeling relieved to know why her child behaved the way he did and how she could help him be the best he could be.

My mum explained to me what she meant. Most people in my country are still judgemental when it comes to mental health. People still think mental illness is spiritual possession, so they ostracize persons they see as odd. Most parents are very resistant to the news that their child might be mentally different. 

Perhaps it’s because they fear the stigmatization their child might face than the condition. Maybe they fear the difficulties their child will face in socializing and forming relationships. To some parents, it’d be easier just to accept that their child was being stubborn, lazy, or energetic.

These people can come from anywhere, be of any race, and have any sort of beliefs. Their fears are valid, just as much as anyone else’s, but they’re not the ones who will grow up feeling inadequate. They’re not the ones who will grow up feeling like they can never put in their best, be their best.