Lady Montagu’s Perception of Love and Relationships in “The Lover: A Ballad”

Lady Mary Wortley Montagu, although not the first name that comes to mind when thinking of 18th-century writers and poets, was a witty writer recognized for her beauty, letters, and poetry. Aside from her letters, one of her most well-known poems, The Lover: A Ballad, provides the reader with a unique and enlightened take on love and relationships at a period when societal standards imposed severe gender roles and expectations. Lady Montagu defies societal expectations in this poem by depicting a female speaker who seeks a partner who recognizes her intelligence, uniqueness, and emotional needs, rather than her appearance or social position. Lady Montagu discusses the necessity of genuine connection and mutual respect in romantic relationships, assessing the joys and sorrows of love and its impact on gender roles and personal freedom.

Social standards implemented strict gender roles and expectations for love and relationships in the 18th century. There were certain standards that men and women had to obey, and these restrictions resulted in a marriage that appeared to be flawless on the outside. However, as is well known, not every marriage that appears to be perfect on the outside is, especially not in the 18th century. Men were traditionally viewed as dominant individuals in relationships, while women were expected to be humble and subservient. Love was considered a secondary priority in many relationships, with duty and social standing taking precedence. When romantic love occurred, it was frequently idealized and viewed as a source of inspiration for poetry and literature. Lady Montagu's poem challenges these norms by presenting a speaker who desires a more equal and fulfilling union.

The speaker discusses her desire for a lover who can bring both emotional and intellectual happiness in the poem. She is not satisfied with surface-level connections and desires a deeper connection. For example, when she says, "But I hate to be cheated, and never will buy / Long years of repentance for moments of joy." (Lines 9-10), she could be referring to having children or being cheated in relationships. As a result, she describes adultery as occurring in times of repentance but with lasting consequences. Also, although women were expected to be mothers/wives then, not all women may want to be mothers and may not have maternal instincts.

She shows love as a reasonable force that can offer happiness and fulfillment when shared with the right partner. She says, for example, "Till lost in the joy, we confess that we live / And he may be rude, and yet I may forgive." (Lines 31-32). This can be understood as a sexual metaphor, but it also symbolizes being truthful to each other and accepting each other's flaws and desires, which was unique at the time. It demonstrates how true love can overcome imperfections and shortcomings to create a more profound sense of joy and fulfillment. However, in that society, a lover had to be a lover, a friend had to be a friend, and a man and a woman could never be friends. As a result, Montagu's words, "Let the friend and the lover be handsomely mix'd." (Line, 34) and her search for the ideal lover who is both a lover and a friend is considerably different from the 18th-century understanding of partnerships. Montagu believes that both partners in a relationship should be equally loving, good, and natural. They should be able to both provide and receive pleasure. A woman should have power, but that power should not be painful.

In "Not meanly would boast, nor would lewdly design." (Line 14), Lady Montagu also challenges traditional gender norms, stating that she is looking for an ideal lover who will respect her as an individual. This challenges women's expectations to be passive and subservient in relationships. The poem implies that love is confined by society, but it also acknowledges the liberating characteristics of the lovers. As seen in "Forgetting or scorning the airs of the crowd / He may cease to be formal, and I to be proud." (Lines 29-30), she longs for love that allows her to be herself. Men were meant to be formal, courteous, and polite, while women were expected to be proud. Only with the right partner can a person remove the mask that society pushes them to wear and have a free and respectful relationship with the person they love, where they do not judge one another and be themselves.

As a result, strict gender norms and social expectations impacted 18th-century ideas of women, relationships, and love. Lady Montagu's perception of love and relationships, as articulated in her poem The Lover: A Ballad, is more progressive and sophisticated, underlining the value of mutual respect, understanding, and true love in a partnership. This poem also criticizes Montagu's friend and Robert Walpole's mistress, Molly Skerrett, for her coldness and chastity. A lady looking for a husband is unlikely to find one if she is not warm and friendly and fails to comprehend what she is looking for. Being in a relationship does not always imply having an affair, but the husband should be the ideal lover, friend, and protector. At the same time, the wife should be capable of defending and protecting him. Montagu criticizes this, yet social standards contradict these notions.

Reference

Montagu, L. M. W. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44761/the-lover-a-ballad